The Most Awesomely Bad SFF Cover in the World
- - July 6th, 2009
Here at Orbit we’re very proud that our books tend to be smart, sophisticated — dare we say, awesome? (yes, we dare) — but there’s still a part of all of us that loves the look and feel of a truly, epically bad SFF book cover. And since we don’t get a chance to publish books that fit that profile we thought we’d call on our readers to help us create one — or at least create the jacket for one.
Over the next few weeks we’ll be asking for your help coming up with the most ridiculously bad high-concept SFF book cover in the universe – think Wyvern II: The Wyverning, or Martian Under the Doormat. (We know you can do better) Once we’ve settled on the titles we’ll work out the reading line, the blurbs, and cover elements. And then, with your help, our fearless Orbit US Creative Director Lauren is going to design a cover for it that will present it in all its mad glory.
Think you can help? Leave your suggestions for titles below (*)
(*) As much as we appreciate good satire, the point of this exercise isn’t to riff on the titles of an older work, or to haze existing covers — we want to come up with new vistas of badness, so original titles only please.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Planet of the Dire Elves
Never Tango With a Dragon
I Fell In Love With a Methane Breather
July 6th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
As The Laser Blaster Howls
The Electromorphed Man
Swing With Me, Neutro-Chocolate Baby!
July 6th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Rings of the Runewraiths VI
July 6th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Vampire Farm III: The Suckling
July 6th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Planet of the Moles
Martian Sex Trap
NEMATODE III
July 6th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
He Left Me on Mars
Martian in the Mirror
Venutian Vaudeville
July 6th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Speed-dating on Mars
Blaster Rex: Agent of S.F.A.Q.L. (Shoot First, Ask Questions Later)
July 6th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Psuedo European Coming Of Age Hero’s Quest, by John Q. MartinEddingsBrooksTolkienJordan AKA, the Belgaraswordstonewheelgamethronerings
The cover should have a dippy pseudo European hero riding off on his noble ques, surrounded by his dippy Childhood Companions, and several Wise But Cynical Advisers.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Planet Of The Martian Ladies
Vicars Of Neptune
Springsteen’s Gambit
July 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
This is a great endevour! Get all that “badness” out of our systems. How about “Bloodsucking for Dummies” “Revenge of the Robots” or “Time Zoo” ??
July 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
It Came From Within Me
GoGo, the Creature Without a Cause
Lord Doom of the Planet Tangerine
July 6th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Yes, this is intended as a title for one book.
Blacksmith’s Bane: The Sword of Shadow
Book 1 of the Forge of the Gods Saga
a novel of the Forsaken Realm
July 6th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Bloodsucking Elves
Ants from Outerspace
The Hobbits Go To Mars
July 6th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I Can Haz Laser Gun?
July 6th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
The Day the Earth Stood Still. Again. (the sequel)
July 6th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Just Had to Push That Button!
July 6th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Zombie Time Cops
Backwash World
Klatu Barata Nocturne
July 6th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I somehow see a dragon and maybe a flying saucer/space ship charging at one another with all guns ablaze. Yes I imagine the dragon having some sort of weapons meshed with his skin or maybe part of armour or well maybe his space suit. And he has to be breathing fire in space because we all know in the vacuum of space that is possible.
Hmmm for a title I’ll say Showdown in Space.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Space-Marine Man
July 6th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Black Hole Police
Wormhole on the Edge of Time.
Brains: Collision of the Universes
Singularity II: Escape to Forever.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
To Bleep, Perchance to Dream (Deus Ex Machina Chronicles, Vol. IV)
July 6th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Vampires, Zombies and Elves, Oh My!
Space Dog and Timmy
The Last Day of the Last World, or How to Really Waste Time
July 6th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
In Space No One Can Hear You
July 6th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Highlanders in Space
Space Vampire
Vampire From the Planet Da’an’re’twi’fang
(Da for Dark Hunters, an for Anita Blake, re for Dresden Files Red vampires, twi for…you know)
Interplanetary Angst
July 6th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
DIE! SPACEMONGOOSE DIE!
FAERY BLOSSOMS IN THY BOSUM CAN NEVER WILT
SLAUGHTER NOT MY INNOCENCE, HELLFIRE FIEND
THE CURIOUS CASE OF FLUCKEN CANCREBOTTOM
July 6th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Revolt of the Martian Marmots, #6 in The Revolting series
July 6th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Timecop Tom and the Tortuons of Trinkellar
July 6th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Your Orbit or Mine?
To Bleed Is To Dream: The Vampyre Ascendancy Book 3
CyBerBL33D: Volume B of The Neur0///Hack3r Chr0nicleS
Satan’s Inbox
Skull of the Space Emperor
The Rocket Is a Shapeshifter!
July 6th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Uranus is Burning
July 6th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
The Enema and the Virgin Mistress
The Vampire and the Alien of the Tundra
The Winds of Flatulence
July 6th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Glandular Recall
July 6th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
The Dastardly Space Dragon Demon
Space Elf in Space
Witch Way to Mars
Deep in the Depths of Dragondeep
July 6th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
A Plethora of Doom (pleeze to has esploshun on kover. kthx.)
Sand, Castles and Sharks (self splanatoree)
High Stakes at the Lunar Lounge (kard games..well, total ripoff of Chalmun’s Cantina on Tatooine)
Fae Factions III: The Rift of All Rifts (eh…)
Everything and the SciFi Sink: A Right Hellish Collection (eeehhhh…derty dishus? I theenk those be scurry.)
Highway Voodoo Roadkill (self splanatoree)
Teddy was a Juke Box Dancing Werewalrus (yur guess good as myne)
July 6th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
This one stolen from Penny Arcade… but is a great title…
Song of the Sorcelator: Return of the Witchaloks II
July 6th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Vampyres of Uranus: Where the Sun Never Shines
July 6th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Elf-Chicks Gone Wild: A Wizards of the FBI Novel
(cover art by either Phil Foglio, Frank Cho or Fastner & Larson)
July 6th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Spaceageddonasorous: From Beyond the After Space It Comes
by Scott R.I.P Jeremiahson
Part One of the new 9 volume epic Space Opera series based in the epically spacious space world universe of Ultra Space Captain Zack Xenious and his endless – yes, literally endless – battle against the terrifyingly huge trans-dimensional Spaceageddonasorous.
Can he win? Dare to Care?
‘It’s a Book’ The Times
‘I read some of it’ Washington Post
‘Only his mum could love him’ Author’s Social Worker
July 6th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Quantum Nunnery: Book Three of Sister Photon’s Regrettable Episodes
The Cheese+Timebends Chronicles Omnibus, Vol. 1: Bleu Shift, The Mage’s Troubled Stilton, Cheddaronomy, A Whey to Dusty Death
Dusklover: Tall, Proud, and Vein
July 6th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Buffy Vandersnoot and the Flaming Orcsword of Time: Book One of the Planet Buxomia Chronicles
July 6th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
A Stain Upon the Vastness
July 6th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Dark Mace of Ake’fujjii, Book Six: With This Sword I Rule! Part Two: The Gathering Storm by Rex Aerturos de Niffleschreiber
pull quote: “Totally mega-awesome!!!!” Ralph Flechenschmirtz, Dragons Rule, dragonsrule.com
or how about…
Rise of the Fallen, Book Seven: The Pre-Antepenultimate Battle
Warlocks Do Make Passes at Witches With Big Asses: An Anthology for Wiccans of Size
Freedom Is a Warm Gun: a novel of the Coming Libertopia
My Blood Brings All the Vampire Boys to the Yard: a Tiffani St. Claire-Montrachet, Were-Unicorn novel
July 6th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Lawyers in Space Vol 1: The Bloodsuckers
Doctors in Space Vol 1: Teratoma
Plumbers in Space Vol 1: Cosmic Flush
Wereturtles of Mars — the Mutant Ninja Saga
ROFL at everytbody’s brilliant concepts
July 6th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
It Walks Backwards
The Fire Puppets
and
The Man Who Nearly Vanished!
July 7th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Enough with the Dark Lord Already! (Book II in the Oy’Vey Chronicles)
Alien Slave Girl Standing By
The Adventure of the Calculating Corset: A Sherlock Holmes/Dr. John Seward Scientific Romance
Stith Thompson, Motif-Hunter
July 7th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Sputnik Bill: War of the Galactic Speethorps
Or
Almost Already Alive, And Additional Alliterations
Or
Darkness in a Dark Place
July 7th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Sir Bulwer-Lytton presents: Kevin Norman Anthony-Brown’s Tales of the Chronicles of Ab’ghayle “Hank” Phrxtylattaya-Ethriwopolisky: Werewolf/Vampyre/Faerye/Kitsune/Ghoul/Chupacabra/Smerp/Succubus Seducer-Extrordinaire: Ragnarok vs. Armageddon: the Penultimate Apocalypse: Vol. III: Part C: Book 17: Linguists Love Lattes: being the Private Correspondence of a Babette of Quality and her wicked Gnarly Boi-Toy concerning Some international Religious terrorism that was, Like, totally Bogus
(in the color scheme of Nick Harkaway’s The Gone-Away World)
July 7th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Veni Vidi Venus
The Titans of Siren
I, Jabberwocky
The Wheel of Ice and Fire; Belgora the Wanderer
Europe: Final Countdown
July 7th, 2009 at 2:05 am
Space Slugs vs. WereSasquatch: Shellular Annihilation
A Rocket in His Pants: The Spaceman Who Tripped Over the Moon
He’s So Not Hungry For You: A Vegetarian Vampire’s Guide to Dating
The Sarah Palin Odyssey: No Signs of Intelligent Life
July 7th, 2009 at 2:11 am
A Bolt for the Door: Book I of the Blacksmith’s Dog
Chapbook Horrors Come to Life!
The Cloisters of Ganymede
Steamships, Basset Hounds, and Shovels: A Dr. Watson Vampyr Adventure
Battleplan!: Book 3 of Space Encounters With the Enemy
July 7th, 2009 at 2:14 am
Wow. These are really, really, good. By which I mean bad. Which will be very good. My marketing brain spins with the possibilities.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:14 am
The Astronauts of Wicca
July 7th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Raygun Thompson and the Secret Pants of Doom
Fear and Loathing on Uranus
Priapus Rising
Ankst and Ankhs: A Tale of Vampiric Seduction
Space Pimp Zebra
July 7th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Lobsternasium
July 7th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Return to Planet Zorg
July 7th, 2009 at 9:15 am
The Marmot’s Justice
Planet of Deja Vu
Stonehengineers
The Farmnibus: The “Farm Wars” trilogy in one volume [contains Battery Farm, Tank Farm and Organic Farm]
Planet of Deja Vu
July 7th, 2009 at 9:20 am
How to make a worse book
July 7th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Aplusk : The Sewer of Meaninglessness
Girl Tweets Boy
Shakalack Jack and the Bitch-Ho-Paradisium
Suck, Suck, Zap, Zap : Dominion of the Space Vampires
July 7th, 2009 at 11:12 am
The Thing In The Toilet That Went Haywire And Restarted The Universe
(Maybe i’ll finish it someday. Don’t intend to use that title though
)
July 7th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
“To Space in Lace!”
“Trial and Terror – The Ultimate Test”
“Space (Yes, it ends in a bang!)”
“Slayer of all things Black – The Bunny that killed Night”
“Tales of the Undead part 4 – Don’t kill me, I have so much to live for!”
July 7th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Fourth and a Half Foundation: The Polyamorous Robots
Zombie in a Strange Land 3: The Shire
Captain Blaster #16: Attack of the Venusian Surfboarding Vampires
Escape from New Amsterdam: The Time Elves Revenge
The Yiddish Dragonboat: Sailing the Aether to the Dark Side of Mercury
July 7th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
True Tales of Martian Wanderlust
Hangranth Hunter, Lord of Xangth
Universe, Sweet Universe
The Qu’ath Xzetac Wars
July 7th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
The Alien That Stole My Pizza
July 7th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Doc Bronze #28: The Nazi Rocket Elves of Tp’gy’qr’aao
July 7th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Brain Wars: Revenge of the Infants
July 7th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Apocalupse 2: Rayguns of the Apocalypse
The Dragon at the End of Forever
The Zombie-killing Planet-munching Spaceman Blues
July 7th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Pandora’s Lunchbox
July 7th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
here go two for starters, with brief synopsis:
“Koi Vey!” – Ariel’s Jewish grandfather, Zaide, was really an alien stranded on earth trying to stop an impending alien invasion. What Ariel thought were senile ramblings turn into startling truth after Zaide’s ashes are spread on the koi pond he loved to sit next to. As the koi feast on the ashes, the alien DNA that survived the cremation slowly transform the fish and give them Zaide’s memories and soul. As the alien and koi DNA mesh into a new creature, can Ariel and the school of koi that are infused with his Zaide’s DNA stop the impending alien invasion his grandfather tried to stop while still human? A boy and his school of yiddish speaking fish think so!
“The Bloodsucking Fathers” – A space journey spanning thousands of years from earth to the nearest star. There are no humans on this ship, the coed crew is all vampires. Their food is a perpetual supply of synthetic blood. But thousands of years in space can get boring for these non-aging charmers. The ship is now over run with dozens if not hundreds of babies forever stuck in their curious newborn bodies! Can the group of vampire fathers and their trusty robot, No. 54ER-At0, baby proof the ship in time and give their kids the father figure they never had all while guiding the future of Earth to a new home and fighting off the alien obstacles that constantly plague their space journey?
expect a few more from me. I find myself good at coming up with bad stories. Which worries me a little.
-Sam
July 7th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Captain Dino and The Jetpack Raptors.
Captain Jetpack and The Dino Raptors.
Dino Raptor and The Jetpack Captain.
Orbit and the planet eating dino raptors.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Lance Thruster vs. the Doom Masters of Doom!
Lance Thruster vs. the Hentai Nightmare!
Lance Thruster vs. the Suburban Childhood That Left With a Vague Sense of Ennui and a Mild Drinking Problem!
Lance Thruster vs. the Scantily-Clad Sword Princess of Sqarg Epsilon!
July 7th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Mutant Android Werewolves from Jupiter
Celery Stalks
July 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Lipid Bilayer Lover
Pigeons of Partigorn
Assault on Sweetars, the Candy Planet
Digging Wormholes: Book 1 of Chaz Rodney’s Cosmic Constructions, Inc.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
To Catch A Photon
Vaccuum Man in Space
How to hang a hammock on the moon
Do Space Beavers Sing?
July 7th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Try the “Tales” Page!
July 7th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
You Are My Sunshine, Doctor Squidface: The Diary of a Triple Breasted Tau Cetian
Springtime for Zargon of the Weeping Eye
Traveller VII: The Mortgaging of Princess Pareidolia’s Virtue
(To any of these, please append ” – A Choose Your Own Adventure Book”)
July 7th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
everyone’s ideas are so funny! thanks for doing this! (and my heart goes out to those judging- good luck!)
He Tweeted Her Twit: An Electronic Love Story
My Homework Ate My Cyclops Dragon and Other Stories
The Magician’s Staff, or, Council of the Undead (do you have a dirty mind?)
The Adventures of Porgy the Seamonster: Sinking Nessie
Zombie Love: Eating Your Face
Pluto’s Revenge: Rabies From Space
July 7th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I thought we already had a winner for the title of worst ever; “Battlefield Earth.”
But ok… here’s my ideas.
Snksibbit the Vorcelator, a Tale of Neu-Umph.
Zombie Cyborg Dinosaurs…From Planet XXX!!
Hal Macho, Space ranger. On and in the Planet Buxom!
Paisley Plugs, a cyberpunk novel.
Space Pilot Piggy McWhurton and the Asteroid of Alliteration!
July 7th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
It came from Uranus.
I just giggled a little as I typed that.
July 7th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
The Philosophical Doorstop: A Science-Fiction Presentation of What Every Good Human Needs To Know But Doesn’t (Volume II — has dialogue!)
When Kittens Attack
The Roadhouse Tesseract
(Oh, dear. That last one is wiggling its nose suspiciously like a plotbunny. Help?)
July 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Well, while I think about a title here’s some suggestions for cover art. Tentacles, lots of tentacles. Really lurid colors. A male on the cover needs a steel jaw and an overabundance of muscle. Muscles on the muscles. any female on the cover is wearing a costume that, were it on a life size person, is made of less than 2 sq. ft of material. Her measurements would make a heard of Playboy bunnies jealous, etc.
July 7th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Galactic Conflict Interminable
Arch-Arkons of Five Separate Worlds
Tales from the Permeable Dreamstate
Dead to me no more
The King of Elfland Cometh: concluding volume of the Songs of the ElvenStar
July 7th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
She-vixen from the Planet of the Death Rats!
Excalibur of Cyberspace
This Book Breaks The Fourth Wall… in Space!
Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
July 7th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
The Thing With The Glass Buttock
Unctious Roberts and the Calamity on Io
In the Bowels of the Undead
Camelot Unleashed
July 7th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Phallic Rocket Vixens of the Groombridge Binary
July 7th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Swinging on a Start: The Art Galactic Free Love
July 7th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
The Dreamer Rises: Aether Refulgent
Cold Steel, Laser Light: Deep Sky Assassin
Flicent Scrolls: The Rubric of Polynomia
July 7th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Starmada A.D. 4000!!!
July 7th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Martian Sex Trap is up there with Solar Shoe-Salesman
Vicars of Neptune has that certain special something as well -
maybe this should be an Ace double
July 7th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Wednesday’s Child is Full of Therapeudic Nanoagents
July 7th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Testosteroid!
July 7th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
My suggestions:
Doom of the Death Planet
Why not go all out and make an entire Fantasy Trilogy?
The Tale of Robert the Retard:
Volume 1: The Sword of the Moron
Volume 2: The Doltish Paladin
Volume 3: The Half–Wit Emperor
Götterdämmerung Revisited
Tales from the Cosmic Bordello
The Screwdriver of Doom
Tales from the Harem of Hasan the Impotent
Tentacled Love (Or How to get alimony from the weird alien that kidnapped and impregnated you and then sent you back to Earth with a very convenient amnesia)
July 7th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
hmm, this may have to be a series…
July 8th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Motherf*ckers from Mars
Three geeky SF&F fans who hang out at a Los Angeles cafeteria use their genre knowledge to hunt down and kill a small band of Martians that is raping the city’s MILFs.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Architeuthis ex Machina
Tuesdays with Dagon
I Married a Terrible Undead Succubus (P.S. I Love You Honey!)
and its sequel: Eat the Parents
July 8th, 2009 at 1:13 am
I think the worst title would have to be alliterative. And wouldn’t necessarily make sense.
The Everlasting Epic # 11: Eve of Elven Eternity
The Alien Aphid Annexation of of Alpha Alpha
The Dire Demon Dragons of the Dread Diablo Dunes
X’axtant’lyx’cthulhu’s X’larnyphonichron
July 8th, 2009 at 1:52 am
We Came, We Saw, We Decided Earth Wasn’t Worth The Effort.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:56 am
The Moon is a Harsh Urologist
Mars Needs Fairies!
Warrior Princess of the Anti-Matter Jungle
A Colostomy for Leibowitz
Invasion of the Noodle Men
July 8th, 2009 at 9:26 am
The Syrens of Saturn
Chuck! Saviour of Earth!
Around the Solar System in 80 days
Mars or Bust
The Space Pope
Rise of the new Galactic Empire
Vivacious Vixens of Venus
July 8th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Fart Boy and Fat Girl Save the Galaxy
Vampire Rights
The Mice Invasion From Outer Space
Dunces of Dune
July 8th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Sword blasters of the Samurai
Vampire Vixens of Venus
July 8th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Spacemen Always Pack Clean Underwear
or
Lasers and Garters
July 8th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Sucktastic Tales! (about vampires)
Vangonagon’s Everlasting No-Warranty-But-Satisfaction-Or-Your-Money-Back-Next-Time-We’re-In-Town Emporium (about a magical junk store which sells used magical items sans guarantee)
Your Sneeze Is My Elbow (Alien first contact gone wrong)
Eat My Brain With A Silver Spoon: A Masochist’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse
July 8th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Ennui the Conqueror
July 8th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I like the ones that wouldn’t suprise me if I saw them on the shelf at a bookstore. The ones that are just bad, but not so obviously farcical at first glance.
SOME EXAMPLES FROM PREVIOUS POSTERS:
Yoz: As the Laser Blaster Howls, Vicars of Neptune, The Electromorphed Man
Sarah: Martian in the Mirror
Cassandra Vert: Space Vampire
Jon: To Bleed is to Dream: The Vampyre Ascendancy
That last one gets top honors for being so likely to be real it’s sad.
Also, how about?
Cyborg Commandos: The Final Vengeance
Goblin Warrior Crusade
Android Harlot (with apologies to Charlie Stross, but that was a TERRIBLE cover!)
July 8th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
When Black Holes Yawn
July 8th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
The Hobbreaths of Muddle Urth
I R PRESSHUSS II
Starskiff Moan
Romulus and Remus Insist
Boredinger’s Brat
July 8th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Mars On $5 A Day
Space Walk 9: The Astronaut Returns
Martians are from Mars, Humans are from Earth: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want
Afternoon of the Tentacle
July 8th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Winner Winner, Martian Dinner
In addition to Sand, Castles and Sharks, we now have a sequel: Rack Em, Pool Shark’s Revenge
Your Escape Pod or Mine? A Love Story. In Space. With marsupials. And Love.
Nothing But Time Trilogy:
Lots of Time: The Hope
Oceans of Time: A Dream
Eons of Time: You Wish
Momma Was a Hot: No Really, She Was a Fire Demon
Back That Spaceship Up
Sasquatch Takes Manhattan
Snail Invasion 20: They’re Almost Here
Not Your Mama’s Alien Abduction
Space Out, When Bad Things Happen to Your Cap’n
Hair Trigger Sally Totes Her Laser
Space Saloon Trilogy:
Space Saloon: Harlots Happen
Space Saloon: Whiskey and Wookies
Space Saloon: The Upper Reaches
The Where? Trilogy:
The Far Side of Nowhere
The Near Side of There
The Middle of Everywhere
There’s Something Nasty in the Space Dock (have to say it – Cold Comfort Farm crossover, anyone?)
July 8th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Artie: Heroe of the Galactic Empyre
Arcturus III: The Tourist Guide (updated Post-Invasion)
How to Change a Tire
July 8th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Inter-dimensional Zombie Vampire Annihilation Part IV: Infestation of the Damned
All That Coagulates is Not Blood: Book VII of the Vampire Plague Saga
Revenge of the Riftwalkers from Outer Dogondium 29.8
Invasion of the Massive Mosquito-pods from Mars!
Point of View: A Novel of the One-Dimensional Empire
The Predatory Pontiff: Book 2 of the Vatican Vampires Quartet
n00bs in Space ~or~ Destroy them With Lasers
July 9th, 2009 at 3:08 am
Rodeo Robot: Riding the AC/DC Current
Venusville Chronicles: A Spaceship Named Desire
Baffling Brain Powers of Dr. Dumkopf
Fast Times at the Event Horizon
July 9th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Singularity Force Five: The Final Antecedent
July 9th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
The Whoosh of the Spaceship
Love-Monkeys of Venus
Hard Landing on a Soft Planet
Never Feed a G’l-theru!b
July 9th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
The Unicorns Of Death!!!
July 9th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Tentacle Sex Fiends From Mars
July 9th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Eunuch’s from Space: Tales from the Underwearverse
An Old Dragon, A Dead Witch, and a Fat Guy: The Third Book of Stories That Go Nowhere
When Butts Collide: A Tale of Space Tomfoolery
Guinea Pigs from Space
July 9th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Invasion of communist mutants
July 9th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
End of the Universe: Aftermath
July 9th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
The Moon Pirates of Cokh – cover shows a a purple sky in which three moons wane and wax independently of each other, with a spaceship which has echoes of a Caribbean galleon crosses, in sillhouette, the largest moon. In the foreground a bare-chested man with green leather trousers and knee-high boots glares at the reader, an unfeasibly large blaster in one hand. His other hand is a hook, and it rests cruelly yet with surprising tenderness on the head of a lithe, naked woman who has a well-cut centre-parted hairstyle, and who appears to have been surgically attached to his leg. They stand on a pile of jewels and gold coins.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
The Night of the Knight’s Nightly Nightmare
Zap Hogan & The Tedium Zone
The Day Nothing Happened
July 9th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
In Solar Heat
obviously, with a pneumatic woman writhing on the planet surface as flames (and old flames? lol) roar around her …
July 9th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Magical Ethics: Compiling the Sorcerer Code
July 10th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Marooned on the Bikini Planet
I, Flatulus
The Tapewormhole Terror
Stark Raving Mud
The Star-Kongs
The Stars My Defenestration
July 10th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Wormholers!
(something about how cats ((or maybe dolphins)) are smarter and kinder than people or maybe they are aliens or possibly faeries and start to talk to someone, usually a group of tweens or maybe a pretty but misunderstood professional lady to solve some sort of crisis probably about dimensional portals)
For real, my favorite awful book cover is from a Philip Jose Farmer book called Tongues of the Moon. Look it up.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
The Return of the Seven martian bug-eyed Monsters
Red Dust in a Golden Eye
How to cook martian fish (without water)
The Martian Bicycles (tribute to Ray Bradbury)
How i meet your mother on Mars
July 10th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
The Last of the Few Book 2: The Beginning
Wraithsong of the Netherverse
4 and 20 Baked Blackbirds
July 11th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Ghost Unicorn Summer
July 11th, 2009 at 1:37 am
The Life and Times Of the Pernicious Penguin Peck McBeak
I was a teenage Cthulu
Rigelian Love Prison #549
July 11th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Slaves of Middle-Earth
July 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
The Eigen Vector Conspiracy
(An espionage thriller with SF trappings, I think.)
I Dream the Piezoelectric Fruit
(Psychadelic!)
Midnight’s Sanguine Curse
(Vampiric!)
Cyberworld Venus
(About either a planet-wide high-tech city or a lovebot. Bonus points if the blurbs imply one and the art the other.)
July 12th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Awesomely bad?
1. Take an old much-used scientifictional title or phrase. Combine it with one very aggressive word, like war or challenge or doom, and put an exclamation point on it. This will be your title. Your sell line should consist of “In the great tradition of,” followed by the names of two successful genre writers whose work is nothing like the author’s. If you need a quote, check the Amazon listing for the author’s previous book — someone’s sure to have posted a review. And if you have to have a plot description, just use the summary the author provided at the time he or she contracted to write the book.
2. Flip to a point about a quarter of the way through the manuscript and look for an action scene. Use a simplified version of it as your cover image.
3. Commission an extremely inexpensive cover painting by an enthusiastic amateur who doesn’t yet have his technical chops, or by a third-world artist who’s unfamiliar with the genre. Don’t provide pages from the manuscript, a memo explaining what you want, or helpful xeroxes showing the desired style and/or technical details — you want him to use his imagination. Force him to hurry. Don’t ask to see sketches.
4. Camouflage the finished painting’s less lovable features by hastily adding foil and embossing to the cover design. Make sure you emboss all the human faces.
5. If there are problems with the overall resolution or color balance, don’t demand to see a corrected version before the cover goes to press. It’ll look fine once it’s printed.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Prophet Margins
Queen of the Quantum Questers of Quorax.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Elves!
Happy Rainbow Unicorn Fun Time
July 14th, 2009 at 1:22 am
The Puckering of Space
July 14th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Snakes on a Spaceplane
“I’ve had it with these mofo snakes on this mofo spaceplane!”
July 14th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Why stop with the cover? Pick the best three names, then have a contest to write the cheesy book.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Republicans with Rayguns shooting Aliens
July 14th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Spaceraptor Seductresses Ate My Parents
A Connecticut Yankee on the Planet of the Unusually Large Hot Dogs
July 14th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Vampire Sexbots vs. the Zombie Unicorns From Mars.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
The Darkening: Shadows of Deep Darkness
Technobaker
The Life and Times of Wolfman Von Dracula, Private Eye
July 14th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Vlad Jetpack: Sanguine Transcendence
Volume 13 of the Space-Vampyre Cycle
July 14th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
There are always the classics:
Schrödinger’s Vet
I, Robot Claudius
Dentists of Gor
But perhaps something suited to more sophisticated modern tastes:
The Olioid Chronicles: Being the Chronoblastic Adventures of the Post-Singularity Steampunk Nano-Zombies and the Crossbow-Wielding Tattooed Tarts who Love Them.
I figure after that no one will ever have to write anything again.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
How to Knit Your Own Spacesuit (With Special Appendix for Dinosaurs)
July 14th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
It’s so hard. I’ll have to break these down into categories. First there’s the genre-mashups:
Chrome Eyed Velociraptors
Countdown to Meteor Armageddon in Fairyland
Galactic War of the Alternate Popes
Then you have the popular culture spins:
Time Traveling Cavemen of Wikipedia
Nuclear Clock: Oz
Buffy: The Empire’s Bounty Hunter
And nonsense of various flavors:
from the absurd: Virus! Run Fast or Die Slow!
to science schmience: The Polarity of Time At the Speed of Sound!
But frankly, you can’t do any better than the greats:
The Cat Who Walks Through Walls -R.A.H.
Prisoners of the Stars -I.A.
The Space Dreamers -A.C.C.
The Word for World is Forest -U.K.lG
Dr. Futurity / Galactic Pot-Healer -P.K.D.
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish -D.A.
Goat Song -P.A.
Tiger Burning Bright -M.Z.B.
The Player of Games -I.M.B.
Wizard Spawn -C.J.C.
… many of which are excellent books, but they certainly had titles to overcome!
July 14th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Lynne Gamm, Agent of B.R.E.A.S.T.
Prawn-Men from Pluto have Invaded Schenectady
Cooking with Cthulhu: Abominable Recipes from the Necronomicon and Other Lost and Blasphemous Texts
Teenage Mutant Nazi Turtles
Homo Erotica: A New Breed of Man
July 14th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Space Lemmings and the Planet of Really Awesomely High Cliffs
July 14th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
“Zombies from Abercrombie!”
“Unicorns Fart Rainbows: And Other Things You Probably Didn’t Know.”
July 14th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Adventures of the Out-of-Work SexDroid
July 15th, 2009 at 4:28 am
I Was an Android Dick
Disposessing Le Guin
Aliens Loosing Integrity
Meet the Suckles
The Shimmering Star
Terraforming Lightly
The Farther The Sun
The Empty-Headed Brain
The Fantastic Alien Mainstream of Jocular-E
July 15th, 2009 at 4:35 am
“Eagle” Sam and the War-Planet of Stalinist Vampyre Elves
July 15th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Teen Dracolich vs. The Corporation Space Armada
July 15th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Wow, no one’s done this -
I can has Marshuns?
(kthxbai)
July 15th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Beneath the Underbelly of the Ass
Wolf-skin Wearing Dryads
July 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
The Crystalonium Mines of Vampyre Planet X: Scourge of the Warlords!
September 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Men are from Mars, Zlorgoids are from Zth’oth’blus
January 5th, 2010 at 6:22 am
I know the contest is over, but i just can’t resist…
VOLSWAGONS FROM SPACE!
I’m gunna upload a black n white sketch cover on deviantart later… if you care to look
so long