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Orbit Books

Descent by Ken MacLeod

DESCENT Ken MacLeod

Author of 2013 Arthur C. Clarke Award-nominated Intrusion tells a science fiction story for the twenty-first century – what happens when conspiracy theorists meet Big Brother?
Read a sample

THE LASCAR’S DAGGERGlenda Larke

The start of a brand new epic fantasy trilogy from the author of the Stormlord series – full of scheming, spying, action and adventure.
Read a sample

The Most Awesomely Bad SFF Cover in the World

Here at Orbit we’re very proud that our books tend to be smart, sophisticated — dare we say, awesome? (yes, we dare) — but there’s still a part of all of us that loves the look and feel of a truly, epically bad SFF book cover. And since we don’t get a chance to publish books that fit that profile we thought we’d call on our readers to help us create one — or at least create the jacket for one.

Over the next few weeks we’ll be asking for your help coming up with the most ridiculously bad high-concept SFF book cover in the universe – think Wyvern II: The Wyverning, or Martian Under the Doormat. (We know you can do better) Once we’ve settled on the titles we’ll work out the reading line, the blurbs, and cover elements. And then, with your help, our fearless Orbit US Creative Director Lauren is going to design a cover for it that will present it in all its mad glory.

Think you can help? Leave your suggestions for titles below (*)

(*) As much as we appreciate good satire, the point of this exercise isn’t to riff on the titles of an older work, or to haze existing covers — we want to come up with new vistas of badness, so original titles only please.

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  1. Dave Schwartz

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:01 pm

    Reply

    Planet of the Dire Elves

    Never Tango With a Dragon

    I Fell In Love With a Methane Breather

  2. Yoz

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:11 pm

    Reply

    As The Laser Blaster Howls

    The Electromorphed Man

    Swing With Me, Neutro-Chocolate Baby!

  3. mckie

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:20 pm

    Reply

    Rings of the Runewraiths VI

  4. rndrum

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:28 pm

    Reply

    Vampire Farm III: The Suckling

  5. Jack Womack

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:30 pm

    Reply

    Planet of the Moles

    Martian Sex Trap

    NEMATODE III

  6. Sarah

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:33 pm

    Reply

    He Left Me on Mars

    Martian in the Mirror

    Venutian Vaudeville

  7. Lexie C.

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:37 pm

    Reply

    Speed-dating on Mars

    Blaster Rex: Agent of S.F.A.Q.L. (Shoot First, Ask Questions Later)

  8. Josh Jasper

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:37 pm

    Reply

    Psuedo European Coming Of Age Hero’s Quest, by John Q. MartinEddingsBrooksTolkienJordan AKA, the Belgaraswordstonewheelgamethronerings

    The cover should have a dippy pseudo European hero riding off on his noble ques, surrounded by his dippy Childhood Companions, and several Wise But Cynical Advisers.

  9. Yoz

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:38 pm

    Reply

    Planet Of The Martian Ladies

    Vicars Of Neptune

    Springsteen’s Gambit

  10. Carol Corbett

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:38 pm

    Reply

    This is a great endevour! Get all that “badness” out of our systems. How about “Bloodsucking for Dummies” “Revenge of the Robots” or “Time Zoo” ??

  11. Linda Mooney

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:38 pm

    Reply

    It Came From Within Me

    GoGo, the Creature Without a Cause

    Lord Doom of the Planet Tangerine

  12. JenniferWriter

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:45 pm

    Reply

    Yes, this is intended as a title for one book.

    Blacksmith’s Bane: The Sword of Shadow
    Book 1 of the Forge of the Gods Saga
    a novel of the Forsaken Realm

  13. Sandyg

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:47 pm

    Reply

    Bloodsucking Elves
    Ants from Outerspace
    The Hobbits Go To Mars

  14. Guy Wade

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:49 pm

    Reply

    I Can Haz Laser Gun?

  15. Guy Wade

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:50 pm

    Reply

    The Day the Earth Stood Still. Again. (the sequel)

  16. Guy Wade

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:53 pm

    Reply

    Just Had to Push That Button!

  17. Ciar Cullen

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:54 pm

    Reply

    Zombie Time Cops

    Backwash World

    Klatu Barata Nocturne

  18. The Mad Hatter

    July 6, 2009
    at 7:57 pm

    Reply

    I somehow see a dragon and maybe a flying saucer/space ship charging at one another with all guns ablaze. Yes I imagine the dragon having some sort of weapons meshed with his skin or maybe part of armour or well maybe his space suit. And he has to be breathing fire in space because we all know in the vacuum of space that is possible.

    Hmmm for a title I’ll say Showdown in Space.

  19. Dave

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:04 pm

    Reply

    Space-Marine Man

  20. David Poulton

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:07 pm

    Reply

    Black Hole Police
    Wormhole on the Edge of Time.
    Brains: Collision of the Universes
    Singularity II: Escape to Forever.

  21. Russ H.

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:07 pm

    Reply

    To Bleep, Perchance to Dream (Deus Ex Machina Chronicles, Vol. IV)

  22. BJ Muntain

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:07 pm

    Reply

    Vampires, Zombies and Elves, Oh My!

    Space Dog and Timmy

    The Last Day of the Last World, or How to Really Waste Time

  23. billc

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:12 pm

    Reply

    In Space No One Can Hear You

  24. Cassandra Vert

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:16 pm

    Reply

    Highlanders in Space

    Space Vampire

    Vampire From the Planet Da’an’re’twi’fang
    (Da for Dark Hunters, an for Anita Blake, re for Dresden Files Red vampires, twi for…you know)

    Interplanetary Angst

  25. Jeff VanderMeer

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:32 pm

    Reply

    DIE! SPACEMONGOOSE DIE!

    FAERY BLOSSOMS IN THY BOSUM CAN NEVER WILT

    SLAUGHTER NOT MY INNOCENCE, HELLFIRE FIEND

    THE CURIOUS CASE OF FLUCKEN CANCREBOTTOM

  26. Mig Archey

    July 6, 2009
    at 8:47 pm

    Reply

    Revolt of the Martian Marmots, #6 in The Revolting series

  27. Guy

    July 6, 2009
    at 9:10 pm

    Reply

    Timecop Tom and the Tortuons of Trinkellar

  28. Jon

    July 6, 2009
    at 9:28 pm

    Reply

    Your Orbit or Mine?

    To Bleed Is To Dream: The Vampyre Ascendancy Book 3

    CyBerBL33D: Volume B of The Neur0///Hack3r Chr0nicleS

    Satan’s Inbox

    Skull of the Space Emperor

    The Rocket Is a Shapeshifter!

  29. Jaye Wells

    Jaye Wells

    July 6, 2009
    at 9:39 pm

    Reply

    Uranus is Burning

  30. katiebabs

    July 6, 2009
    at 9:52 pm

    Reply

    The Enema and the Virgin Mistress

    The Vampire and the Alien of the Tundra

    The Winds of Flatulence

  31. Sean F.

    July 6, 2009
    at 9:52 pm

    Reply

    Glandular Recall

  32. Sewicked

    July 6, 2009
    at 9:54 pm

    Reply

    The Dastardly Space Dragon Demon

    Space Elf in Space

    Witch Way to Mars

    Deep in the Depths of Dragondeep

  33. KMont

    July 6, 2009
    at 10:12 pm

    Reply

    A Plethora of Doom (pleeze to has esploshun on kover. kthx.)

    Sand, Castles and Sharks (self splanatoree)

    High Stakes at the Lunar Lounge (kard games..well, total ripoff of Chalmun’s Cantina on Tatooine)

    Fae Factions III: The Rift of All Rifts (eh…)

    Everything and the SciFi Sink: A Right Hellish Collection (eeehhhh…derty dishus? I theenk those be scurry.)

    Highway Voodoo Roadkill (self splanatoree)

    Teddy was a Juke Box Dancing Werewalrus (yur guess good as myne)

  34. Chris

    July 6, 2009
    at 10:12 pm

    Reply

    This one stolen from Penny Arcade… but is a great title…

    Song of the Sorcelator: Return of the Witchaloks II

  35. Eric Heidle

    July 6, 2009
    at 10:52 pm

    Reply

    Vampyres of Uranus: Where the Sun Never Shines

  36. Wiredwizard

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:00 pm

    Reply

    Elf-Chicks Gone Wild: A Wizards of the FBI Novel
    (cover art by either Phil Foglio, Frank Cho or Fastner & Larson)

  37. Scott

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:06 pm

    Reply

    Spaceageddonasorous: From Beyond the After Space It Comes

    by Scott R.I.P Jeremiahson

    Part One of the new 9 volume epic Space Opera series based in the epically spacious space world universe of Ultra Space Captain Zack Xenious and his endless – yes, literally endless – battle against the terrifyingly huge trans-dimensional Spaceageddonasorous.
    Can he win? Dare to Care?

    ‘It’s a Book’ The Times

    ‘I read some of it’ Washington Post

    ‘Only his mum could love him’ Author’s Social Worker

  38. Sam Thielman

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:09 pm

    Reply

    Quantum Nunnery: Book Three of Sister Photon’s Regrettable Episodes

    The Cheese+Timebends Chronicles Omnibus, Vol. 1: Bleu Shift, The Mage’s Troubled Stilton, Cheddaronomy, A Whey to Dusty Death

    Dusklover: Tall, Proud, and Vein

  39. Heather

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:20 pm

    Reply

    Buffy Vandersnoot and the Flaming Orcsword of Time: Book One of the Planet Buxomia Chronicles

  40. Paul Ford

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:42 pm

    Reply

    A Stain Upon the Vastness

  41. Andrew Wheeler

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:43 pm

    Reply

    Dark Mace of Ake’fujjii, Book Six: With This Sword I Rule! Part Two: The Gathering Storm by Rex Aerturos de Niffleschreiber

    pull quote: “Totally mega-awesome!!!!” Ralph Flechenschmirtz, Dragons Rule, dragonsrule.com

    or how about…

    Rise of the Fallen, Book Seven: The Pre-Antepenultimate Battle

    Warlocks Do Make Passes at Witches With Big Asses: An Anthology for Wiccans of Size

    Freedom Is a Warm Gun: a novel of the Coming Libertopia

    My Blood Brings All the Vampire Boys to the Yard: a Tiffani St. Claire-Montrachet, Were-Unicorn novel

  42. Michele Lang

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:55 pm

    Reply

    Lawyers in Space Vol 1: The Bloodsuckers
    Doctors in Space Vol 1: Teratoma
    Plumbers in Space Vol 1: Cosmic Flush

    Wereturtles of Mars — the Mutant Ninja Saga

    ROFL at everytbody’s brilliant concepts :)

  43. Troy

    July 6, 2009
    at 11:59 pm

    Reply

    It Walks Backwards

    The Fire Puppets

    and

    The Man Who Nearly Vanished!

  44. Melynda

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:09 am

    Reply

    Enough with the Dark Lord Already! (Book II in the Oy’Vey Chronicles)

    Alien Slave Girl Standing By

    The Adventure of the Calculating Corset: A Sherlock Holmes/Dr. John Seward Scientific Romance

    Stith Thompson, Motif-Hunter

  45. SMD

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:28 am

    Reply

    Sputnik Bill: War of the Galactic Speethorps

    Or

    Almost Already Alive, And Additional Alliterations

    Or

    Darkness in a Dark Place

  46. Konrad Gaertner

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:32 am

    Reply

    Sir Bulwer-Lytton presents: Kevin Norman Anthony-Brown’s Tales of the Chronicles of Ab’ghayle “Hank” Phrxtylattaya-Ethriwopolisky: Werewolf/Vampyre/Faerye/Kitsune/Ghoul/Chupacabra/Smerp/Succubus Seducer-Extrordinaire: Ragnarok vs. Armageddon: the Penultimate Apocalypse: Vol. III: Part C: Book 17: Linguists Love Lattes: being the Private Correspondence of a Babette of Quality and her wicked Gnarly Boi-Toy concerning Some international Religious terrorism that was, Like, totally Bogus

    (in the color scheme of Nick Harkaway’s The Gone-Away World)

  47. Barzai

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:01 am

    Reply

    Veni Vidi Venus

    The Titans of Siren

    I, Jabberwocky

    The Wheel of Ice and Fire; Belgora the Wanderer

    Europe: Final Countdown

  48. Annette Fix

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:05 am

    Reply

    Space Slugs vs. WereSasquatch: Shellular Annihilation

    A Rocket in His Pants: The Spaceman Who Tripped Over the Moon

    He’s So Not Hungry For You: A Vegetarian Vampire’s Guide to Dating

    The Sarah Palin Odyssey: No Signs of Intelligent Life

  49. Susan Loyal

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:11 am

    Reply

    A Bolt for the Door: Book I of the Blacksmith’s Dog

    Chapbook Horrors Come to Life!

    The Cloisters of Ganymede

    Steamships, Basset Hounds, and Shovels: A Dr. Watson Vampyr Adventure

    Battleplan!: Book 3 of Space Encounters With the Enemy

  50. Alex Lencicki

    Alex Lencicki

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:14 am

    Reply

    Wow. These are really, really, good. By which I mean bad. Which will be very good. My marketing brain spins with the possibilities.

  51. Maureen Flaherty

    July 7, 2009
    at 3:14 am

    Reply

    The Astronauts of Wicca

  52. Kingyak

    July 7, 2009
    at 4:51 am

    Reply

    Raygun Thompson and the Secret Pants of Doom

    Fear and Loathing on Uranus

    Priapus Rising

    Ankst and Ankhs: A Tale of Vampiric Seduction

    Space Pimp Zebra

  53. Stacia

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:24 am

    Reply

    Lobsternasium

  54. Karen Anderson

    July 7, 2009
    at 8:26 am

    Reply

    Return to Planet Zorg

  55. Andy Horton

    July 7, 2009
    at 9:15 am

    Reply

    The Marmot’s Justice

    Planet of Deja Vu

    Stonehengineers

    The Farmnibus: The “Farm Wars” trilogy in one volume [contains Battery Farm, Tank Farm and Organic Farm]

    Planet of Deja Vu

  56. EE

    July 7, 2009
    at 9:20 am

    Reply

    How to make a worse book

  57. barfly

    July 7, 2009
    at 9:25 am

    Reply

    Aplusk : The Sewer of Meaninglessness

    Girl Tweets Boy

    Shakalack Jack and the Bitch-Ho-Paradisium

    Suck, Suck, Zap, Zap : Dominion of the Space Vampires

  58. Ariel

    July 7, 2009
    at 11:12 am

    Reply

    The Thing In The Toilet That Went Haywire And Restarted The Universe

    (Maybe i’ll finish it someday. Don’t intend to use that title though :))

  59. Guildenstern

    July 7, 2009
    at 12:00 pm

    Reply

    “To Space in Lace!”

    “Trial and Terror – The Ultimate Test”

    “Space (Yes, it ends in a bang!)”

    “Slayer of all things Black – The Bunny that killed Night”

    “Tales of the Undead part 4 – Don’t kill me, I have so much to live for!”

  60. Gary D

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:21 pm

    Reply

    Fourth and a Half Foundation: The Polyamorous Robots

    Zombie in a Strange Land 3: The Shire

    Captain Blaster #16: Attack of the Venusian Surfboarding Vampires

    Escape from New Amsterdam: The Time Elves Revenge

    The Yiddish Dragonboat: Sailing the Aether to the Dark Side of Mercury

  61. Fuddster

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:29 pm

    Reply

    True Tales of Martian Wanderlust

    Hangranth Hunter, Lord of Xangth

    Universe, Sweet Universe

    The Qu’ath Xzetac Wars

  62. Heather C

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:37 pm

    Reply

    The Alien That Stole My Pizza

  63. Joel Polowin

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:38 pm

    Reply

    Doc Bronze #28: The Nazi Rocket Elves of Tp’gy’qr’aao

  64. Lisa H

    July 7, 2009
    at 1:45 pm

    Reply

    Brain Wars: Revenge of the Infants

  65. Floyd B.

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:26 pm

    Reply

    Apocalupse 2: Rayguns of the Apocalypse

    The Dragon at the End of Forever

    The Zombie-killing Planet-munching Spaceman Blues

  66. Rob M

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:33 pm

    Reply

    Pandora’s Lunchbox

  67. Sam Prus

    July 7, 2009
    at 2:50 pm

    Reply

    here go two for starters, with brief synopsis:

    “Koi Vey!” – Ariel’s Jewish grandfather, Zaide, was really an alien stranded on earth trying to stop an impending alien invasion. What Ariel thought were senile ramblings turn into startling truth after Zaide’s ashes are spread on the koi pond he loved to sit next to. As the koi feast on the ashes, the alien DNA that survived the cremation slowly transform the fish and give them Zaide’s memories and soul. As the alien and koi DNA mesh into a new creature, can Ariel and the school of koi that are infused with his Zaide’s DNA stop the impending alien invasion his grandfather tried to stop while still human? A boy and his school of yiddish speaking fish think so!

    “The Bloodsucking Fathers” – A space journey spanning thousands of years from earth to the nearest star. There are no humans on this ship, the coed crew is all vampires. Their food is a perpetual supply of synthetic blood. But thousands of years in space can get boring for these non-aging charmers. The ship is now over run with dozens if not hundreds of babies forever stuck in their curious newborn bodies! Can the group of vampire fathers and their trusty robot, No. 54ER-At0, baby proof the ship in time and give their kids the father figure they never had all while guiding the future of Earth to a new home and fighting off the alien obstacles that constantly plague their space journey?

    expect a few more from me. I find myself good at coming up with bad stories. Which worries me a little. :D

    -Sam

  68. Tomb

    July 7, 2009
    at 3:37 pm

    Reply

    Captain Dino and The Jetpack Raptors.
    Captain Jetpack and The Dino Raptors.
    Dino Raptor and The Jetpack Captain.

    Orbit and the planet eating dino raptors.

  69. Ed Dravecky

    July 7, 2009
    at 3:43 pm

    Reply

    Lance Thruster vs. the Doom Masters of Doom!

    Lance Thruster vs. the Hentai Nightmare!

    Lance Thruster vs. the Suburban Childhood That Left With a Vague Sense of Ennui and a Mild Drinking Problem!

    Lance Thruster vs. the Scantily-Clad Sword Princess of Sqarg Epsilon!

  70. Annie A

    July 7, 2009
    at 4:05 pm

    Reply

    Mutant Android Werewolves from Jupiter

    Celery Stalks

  71. Aedvan

    July 7, 2009
    at 4:21 pm

    Reply

    Lipid Bilayer Lover

    Pigeons of Partigorn

    Assault on Sweetars, the Candy Planet

    Digging Wormholes: Book 1 of Chaz Rodney’s Cosmic Constructions, Inc.

  72. Col E

    July 7, 2009
    at 4:32 pm

    Reply

    To Catch A Photon

    Vaccuum Man in Space

    How to hang a hammock on the moon

    Do Space Beavers Sing?

  73. R. L. McSterlingthong

    July 7, 2009
    at 4:33 pm

    Reply

    Try the “Tales” Page!

  74. Tacoma

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:03 pm

    Reply

    You Are My Sunshine, Doctor Squidface: The Diary of a Triple Breasted Tau Cetian

    Springtime for Zargon of the Weeping Eye

    Traveller VII: The Mortgaging of Princess Pareidolia’s Virtue

    (To any of these, please append ” – A Choose Your Own Adventure Book”)

  75. super kmac

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:06 pm

    Reply

    everyone’s ideas are so funny! thanks for doing this! (and my heart goes out to those judging- good luck!)

    He Tweeted Her Twit: An Electronic Love Story

    My Homework Ate My Cyclops Dragon and Other Stories

    The Magician’s Staff, or, Council of the Undead (do you have a dirty mind?)

    The Adventures of Porgy the Seamonster: Sinking Nessie

    Zombie Love: Eating Your Face

    Pluto’s Revenge: Rabies From Space

  76. Silicon.shaman

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:08 pm

    Reply

    I thought we already had a winner for the title of worst ever; “Battlefield Earth.”

    But ok… here’s my ideas.
    Snksibbit the Vorcelator, a Tale of Neu-Umph.

    Zombie Cyborg Dinosaurs…From Planet XXX!!

    Hal Macho, Space ranger. On and in the Planet Buxom!

    Paisley Plugs, a cyberpunk novel.

    Space Pilot Piggy McWhurton and the Asteroid of Alliteration!

  77. Jason Long

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:12 pm

    Reply

    It came from Uranus.

    I just giggled a little as I typed that.

  78. V. Greene

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:32 pm

    Reply

    The Philosophical Doorstop: A Science-Fiction Presentation of What Every Good Human Needs To Know But Doesn’t (Volume II — has dialogue!)

    When Kittens Attack

    The Roadhouse Tesseract

    (Oh, dear. That last one is wiggling its nose suspiciously like a plotbunny. Help?)

  79. Kevin Kennedy

    July 7, 2009
    at 5:57 pm

    Reply

    Well, while I think about a title here’s some suggestions for cover art. Tentacles, lots of tentacles. Really lurid colors. A male on the cover needs a steel jaw and an overabundance of muscle. Muscles on the muscles. any female on the cover is wearing a costume that, were it on a life size person, is made of less than 2 sq. ft of material. Her measurements would make a heard of Playboy bunnies jealous, etc.

  80. Sam Garret

    July 7, 2009
    at 6:33 pm

    Reply

    Galactic Conflict Interminable

    Arch-Arkons of Five Separate Worlds

    Tales from the Permeable Dreamstate

    Dead to me no more

    The King of Elfland Cometh: concluding volume of the Songs of the ElvenStar

  81. Kniffler

    July 7, 2009
    at 7:00 pm

    Reply

    She-vixen from the Planet of the Death Rats!

    Excalibur of Cyberspace

    This Book Breaks The Fourth Wall… in Space!

    Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance

  82. Sam Thielman

    July 7, 2009
    at 7:37 pm

    Reply

    The Thing With The Glass Buttock

    Unctious Roberts and the Calamity on Io

    In the Bowels of the Undead

    Camelot Unleashed

  83. Marshall Payne

    July 7, 2009
    at 7:41 pm

    Reply

    Phallic Rocket Vixens of the Groombridge Binary

  84. Scott

    July 7, 2009
    at 8:56 pm

    Reply

    Swinging on a Start: The Art Galactic Free Love

  85. Steve H.

    July 7, 2009
    at 9:08 pm

    Reply

    The Dreamer Rises: Aether Refulgent

    Cold Steel, Laser Light: Deep Sky Assassin

    Flicent Scrolls: The Rubric of Polynomia

  86. Mike

    July 7, 2009
    at 9:20 pm

    Reply

    Starmada A.D. 4000!!!

  87. JohnnyYen

    July 7, 2009
    at 10:48 pm

    Reply

    Martian Sex Trap is up there with Solar Shoe-Salesman

    Vicars of Neptune has that certain special something as well -

    maybe this should be an Ace double

  88. Fredösphere

    July 7, 2009
    at 11:38 pm

    Reply

    Wednesday’s Child is Full of Therapeudic Nanoagents

  89. Fredösphere

    July 7, 2009
    at 11:47 pm

    Reply

    Testosteroid!

  90. Alvrodul

    July 7, 2009
    at 11:58 pm

    Reply

    My suggestions:

    Doom of the Death Planet

    Why not go all out and make an entire Fantasy Trilogy?
    The Tale of Robert the Retard:
    Volume 1: The Sword of the Moron
    Volume 2: The Doltish Paladin
    Volume 3: The Half–Wit Emperor

    Götterdämmerung Revisited

    Tales from the Cosmic Bordello

    The Screwdriver of Doom

    Tales from the Harem of Hasan the Impotent

    Tentacled Love (Or How to get alimony from the weird alien that kidnapped and impregnated you and then sent you back to Earth with a very convenient amnesia)

  91. Lauren Panepinto

    Lauren Panepinto

    July 7, 2009
    at 11:58 pm

    Reply

    hmm, this may have to be a series…

  92. Paul

    July 8, 2009
    at 12:00 am

    Reply

    Motherf*ckers from Mars

    Three geeky SF&F fans who hang out at a Los Angeles cafeteria use their genre knowledge to hunt down and kill a small band of Martians that is raping the city’s MILFs.

  93. Lucas Stonehouse

    July 8, 2009
    at 1:10 am

    Reply

    Architeuthis ex Machina

    Tuesdays with Dagon

    I Married a Terrible Undead Succubus (P.S. I Love You Honey!)

    and its sequel: Eat the Parents

  94. Tia Nevit

    July 8, 2009
    at 1:13 am

    Reply

    I think the worst title would have to be alliterative. And wouldn’t necessarily make sense.

    The Everlasting Epic # 11: Eve of Elven Eternity

    The Alien Aphid Annexation of of Alpha Alpha

    The Dire Demon Dragons of the Dread Diablo Dunes

    X’axtant’lyx’cthulhu’s X’larnyphonichron

  95. Chris

    July 8, 2009
    at 1:52 am

    Reply

    We Came, We Saw, We Decided Earth Wasn’t Worth The Effort.

  96. Mike Allen

    July 8, 2009
    at 2:56 am

    Reply

    The Moon is a Harsh Urologist

    Mars Needs Fairies!

    Warrior Princess of the Anti-Matter Jungle

    A Colostomy for Leibowitz

    Invasion of the Noodle Men

  97. Mike McClure

    July 8, 2009
    at 9:26 am

    Reply

    The Syrens of Saturn

    Chuck! Saviour of Earth!

    Around the Solar System in 80 days

    Mars or Bust

    The Space Pope

    Rise of the new Galactic Empire

    Vivacious Vixens of Venus

  98. Arun

    July 8, 2009
    at 10:35 am

    Reply

    Fart Boy and Fat Girl Save the Galaxy

    Vampire Rights

    The Mice Invasion From Outer Space

    Dunces of Dune

  99. David Houston

    July 8, 2009
    at 1:22 pm

    Reply

    Sword blasters of the Samurai

    Vampire Vixens of Venus

  100. Gerri

    July 8, 2009
    at 2:26 pm

    Reply

    Spacemen Always Pack Clean Underwear

    or

    Lasers and Garters

  101. writtenwyrdd

    July 8, 2009
    at 2:53 pm

    Reply

    Sucktastic Tales! (about vampires)

    Vangonagon’s Everlasting No-Warranty-But-Satisfaction-Or-Your-Money-Back-Next-Time-We’re-In-Town Emporium (about a magical junk store which sells used magical items sans guarantee)

    Your Sneeze Is My Elbow (Alien first contact gone wrong)

    Eat My Brain With A Silver Spoon: A Masochist’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse

  102. CJH / esper

    July 8, 2009
    at 3:11 pm

    Reply

    Ennui the Conqueror

  103. Glen

    July 8, 2009
    at 3:53 pm

    Reply

    I like the ones that wouldn’t suprise me if I saw them on the shelf at a bookstore. The ones that are just bad, but not so obviously farcical at first glance.

    SOME EXAMPLES FROM PREVIOUS POSTERS:

    Yoz: As the Laser Blaster Howls, Vicars of Neptune, The Electromorphed Man
    Sarah: Martian in the Mirror
    Cassandra Vert: Space Vampire
    Jon: To Bleed is to Dream: The Vampyre Ascendancy

    That last one gets top honors for being so likely to be real it’s sad.

    Also, how about?

    Cyborg Commandos: The Final Vengeance
    Goblin Warrior Crusade
    Android Harlot (with apologies to Charlie Stross, but that was a TERRIBLE cover!)

  104. Susan Reader

    July 8, 2009
    at 4:44 pm

    Reply

    When Black Holes Yawn

  105. laughingwolf

    July 8, 2009
    at 6:11 pm

    Reply

    The Hobbreaths of Muddle Urth

    I R PRESSHUSS II

    Starskiff Moan

    Romulus and Remus Insist

    Boredinger’s Brat

  106. fairyhedgehog

    July 8, 2009
    at 6:49 pm

    Reply

    Mars On $5 A Day

    Space Walk 9: The Astronaut Returns

    Martians are from Mars, Humans are from Earth: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want

    Afternoon of the Tentacle

  107. KMont

    July 8, 2009
    at 7:10 pm

    Reply

    Winner Winner, Martian Dinner

    In addition to Sand, Castles and Sharks, we now have a sequel: Rack Em, Pool Shark’s Revenge

    Your Escape Pod or Mine? A Love Story. In Space. With marsupials. And Love.

    Nothing But Time Trilogy:
    Lots of Time: The Hope
    Oceans of Time: A Dream
    Eons of Time: You Wish

    Momma Was a Hot: No Really, She Was a Fire Demon

    Back That Spaceship Up

    Sasquatch Takes Manhattan

    Snail Invasion 20: They’re Almost Here

    Not Your Mama’s Alien Abduction

    Space Out, When Bad Things Happen to Your Cap’n

    Hair Trigger Sally Totes Her Laser

    Space Saloon Trilogy:

    Space Saloon: Harlots Happen
    Space Saloon: Whiskey and Wookies
    Space Saloon: The Upper Reaches

    The Where? Trilogy:

    The Far Side of Nowhere
    The Near Side of There
    The Middle of Everywhere

    There’s Something Nasty in the Space Dock (have to say it – Cold Comfort Farm crossover, anyone?)

  108. Mycroft W

    July 8, 2009
    at 9:33 pm

    Reply

    Artie: Heroe of the Galactic Empyre

    Arcturus III: The Tourist Guide (updated Post-Invasion)

    How to Change a Tire

  109. Paradox

    July 8, 2009
    at 10:49 pm

    Reply

    Inter-dimensional Zombie Vampire Annihilation Part IV: Infestation of the Damned

    All That Coagulates is Not Blood: Book VII of the Vampire Plague Saga

    Revenge of the Riftwalkers from Outer Dogondium 29.8

    Invasion of the Massive Mosquito-pods from Mars!

    Point of View: A Novel of the One-Dimensional Empire

    The Predatory Pontiff: Book 2 of the Vatican Vampires Quartet

    n00bs in Space ~or~ Destroy them With Lasers

  110. Cyntia King

    July 9, 2009
    at 3:08 am

    Reply

    Rodeo Robot: Riding the AC/DC Current

    Venusville Chronicles: A Spaceship Named Desire

    Baffling Brain Powers of Dr. Dumkopf

    Fast Times at the Event Horizon

  111. Eric Schultheis

    July 9, 2009
    at 8:23 am

    Reply

    Singularity Force Five: The Final Antecedent

  112. Steven

    July 9, 2009
    at 2:08 pm

    Reply

    The Whoosh of the Spaceship

    Love-Monkeys of Venus

    Hard Landing on a Soft Planet

    Never Feed a G’l-theru!b

  113. Adrian Faulkner

    July 9, 2009
    at 3:27 pm

    Reply

    The Unicorns Of Death!!!

  114. Adrian Faulkner

    July 9, 2009
    at 3:29 pm

    Reply

    Tentacle Sex Fiends From Mars

  115. The Mad Hatter

    July 9, 2009
    at 3:39 pm

    Reply

    Eunuch’s from Space: Tales from the Underwearverse

    An Old Dragon, A Dead Witch, and a Fat Guy: The Third Book of Stories That Go Nowhere

    When Butts Collide: A Tale of Space Tomfoolery

    Guinea Pigs from Space

  116. Serge

    July 9, 2009
    at 3:40 pm

    Reply

    Invasion of communist mutants

  117. Serge

    July 9, 2009
    at 3:44 pm

    Reply

    End of the Universe: Aftermath

  118. David Barnett

    July 9, 2009
    at 4:04 pm

    Reply

    The Moon Pirates of Cokh – cover shows a a purple sky in which three moons wane and wax independently of each other, with a spaceship which has echoes of a Caribbean galleon crosses, in sillhouette, the largest moon. In the foreground a bare-chested man with green leather trousers and knee-high boots glares at the reader, an unfeasibly large blaster in one hand. His other hand is a hook, and it rests cruelly yet with surprising tenderness on the head of a lithe, naked woman who has a well-cut centre-parted hairstyle, and who appears to have been surgically attached to his leg. They stand on a pile of jewels and gold coins.

  119. Furious D

    July 9, 2009
    at 6:32 pm

    Reply

    The Night of the Knight’s Nightly Nightmare

    Zap Hogan & The Tedium Zone

    The Day Nothing Happened

  120. ImReallyAnElf

    July 9, 2009
    at 8:55 pm

    Reply

    In Solar Heat

    obviously, with a pneumatic woman writhing on the planet surface as flames (and old flames? lol) roar around her …

  121. Xopher

    July 9, 2009
    at 9:01 pm

    Reply

    Magical Ethics: Compiling the Sorcerer Code

  122. Steven Schend

    July 10, 2009
    at 12:36 am

    Reply

    Marooned on the Bikini Planet

    I, Flatulus

    The Tapewormhole Terror

    Stark Raving Mud

    The Star-Kongs

    The Stars My Defenestration

  123. lordbored

    July 10, 2009
    at 3:41 pm

    Reply

    Wormholers!

    (something about how cats ((or maybe dolphins)) are smarter and kinder than people or maybe they are aliens or possibly faeries and start to talk to someone, usually a group of tweens or maybe a pretty but misunderstood professional lady to solve some sort of crisis probably about dimensional portals)

    For real, my favorite awful book cover is from a Philip Jose Farmer book called Tongues of the Moon. Look it up.

  124. Doc Mars

    July 10, 2009
    at 7:01 pm

    Reply

    The Return of the Seven martian bug-eyed Monsters

    Red Dust in a Golden Eye

    How to cook martian fish (without water)

    The Martian Bicycles (tribute to Ray Bradbury)

    How i meet your mother on Mars

  125. That Darn Satan!

    July 10, 2009
    at 7:51 pm

    Reply

    The Last of the Few Book 2: The Beginning
    Wraithsong of the Netherverse
    4 and 20 Baked Blackbirds

  126. Sam Garret

    July 11, 2009
    at 12:46 am

    Reply

    Ghost Unicorn Summer

  127. Mike Barker

    July 11, 2009
    at 1:37 am

    Reply

    The Life and Times Of the Pernicious Penguin Peck McBeak

    I was a teenage Cthulu

    Rigelian Love Prison #549

  128. NelC

    July 11, 2009
    at 2:48 pm

    Reply

    Slaves of Middle-Earth

  129. Coeli

    July 11, 2009
    at 5:41 pm

    Reply

    The Eigen Vector Conspiracy
    (An espionage thriller with SF trappings, I think.)

    I Dream the Piezoelectric Fruit
    (Psychadelic!)

    Midnight’s Sanguine Curse
    (Vampiric!)

    Cyberworld Venus
    (About either a planet-wide high-tech city or a lovebot. Bonus points if the blurbs imply one and the art the other.)

  130. Teresa Nielsen Hayden

    July 12, 2009
    at 12:32 am

    Reply

    Awesomely bad?

    1. Take an old much-used scientifictional title or phrase. Combine it with one very aggressive word, like war or challenge or doom, and put an exclamation point on it. This will be your title. Your sell line should consist of “In the great tradition of,” followed by the names of two successful genre writers whose work is nothing like the author’s. If you need a quote, check the Amazon listing for the author’s previous book — someone’s sure to have posted a review. And if you have to have a plot description, just use the summary the author provided at the time he or she contracted to write the book.

    2. Flip to a point about a quarter of the way through the manuscript and look for an action scene. Use a simplified version of it as your cover image.

    3. Commission an extremely inexpensive cover painting by an enthusiastic amateur who doesn’t yet have his technical chops, or by a third-world artist who’s unfamiliar with the genre. Don’t provide pages from the manuscript, a memo explaining what you want, or helpful xeroxes showing the desired style and/or technical details — you want him to use his imagination. Force him to hurry. Don’t ask to see sketches.

    4. Camouflage the finished painting’s less lovable features by hastily adding foil and embossing to the cover design. Make sure you emboss all the human faces.

    5. If there are problems with the overall resolution or color balance, don’t demand to see a corrected version before the cover goes to press. It’ll look fine once it’s printed.

  131. Furious D

    July 12, 2009
    at 10:28 pm

    Reply

    Prophet Margins

    Queen of the Quantum Questers of Quorax.

  132. Kit

    July 13, 2009
    at 11:58 pm

    Reply

    Elves!

    Happy Rainbow Unicorn Fun Time

  133. nawacrike

    July 14, 2009
    at 1:22 am

    Reply

    The Puckering of Space

  134. Dave Leone

    July 14, 2009
    at 7:51 am

    Reply

    Snakes on a Spaceplane

    “I’ve had it with these mofo snakes on this mofo spaceplane!”

  135. Dave Leone

    July 14, 2009
    at 7:53 am

    Reply

    Why stop with the cover? Pick the best three names, then have a contest to write the cheesy book.

  136. John C. Snider

    July 14, 2009
    at 1:40 pm

    Reply

    Republicans with Rayguns shooting Aliens

  137. James Pray

    July 14, 2009
    at 5:31 pm

    Reply

    Spaceraptor Seductresses Ate My Parents

    A Connecticut Yankee on the Planet of the Unusually Large Hot Dogs

  138. Stephen M. St. Onge

    July 14, 2009
    at 5:33 pm

    Reply

    Vampire Sexbots vs. the Zombie Unicorns From Mars.

  139. Flit

    July 14, 2009
    at 5:50 pm

    Reply

    The Darkening: Shadows of Deep Darkness
    Technobaker
    The Life and Times of Wolfman Von Dracula, Private Eye

  140. Ian Tregillis

    Ian Tregillis

    July 14, 2009
    at 6:02 pm

    Reply

    Vlad Jetpack: Sanguine Transcendence
    Volume 13 of the Space-Vampyre Cycle

  141. Chris Hsiang

    July 14, 2009
    at 6:07 pm

    Reply

    There are always the classics:

    Schrödinger’s Vet
    I, Robot Claudius
    Dentists of Gor

    But perhaps something suited to more sophisticated modern tastes:

    The Olioid Chronicles: Being the Chronoblastic Adventures of the Post-Singularity Steampunk Nano-Zombies and the Crossbow-Wielding Tattooed Tarts who Love Them.

    I figure after that no one will ever have to write anything again.

  142. b. lynch black

    July 14, 2009
    at 7:01 pm

    Reply

    How to Knit Your Own Spacesuit (With Special Appendix for Dinosaurs)

  143. Aaron Sherman

    July 14, 2009
    at 7:13 pm

    Reply

    It’s so hard. I’ll have to break these down into categories. First there’s the genre-mashups:

    Chrome Eyed Velociraptors
    Countdown to Meteor Armageddon in Fairyland
    Galactic War of the Alternate Popes

    Then you have the popular culture spins:

    Time Traveling Cavemen of Wikipedia
    Nuclear Clock: Oz
    Buffy: The Empire’s Bounty Hunter

    And nonsense of various flavors:

    from the absurd: Virus! Run Fast or Die Slow!
    to science schmience: The Polarity of Time At the Speed of Sound!

    But frankly, you can’t do any better than the greats:

    The Cat Who Walks Through Walls -R.A.H.
    Prisoners of the Stars -I.A.
    The Space Dreamers -A.C.C.
    The Word for World is Forest -U.K.lG
    Dr. Futurity / Galactic Pot-Healer -P.K.D.
    So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish -D.A.
    Goat Song -P.A.
    Tiger Burning Bright -M.Z.B.
    The Player of Games -I.M.B.
    Wizard Spawn -C.J.C.

    … many of which are excellent books, but they certainly had titles to overcome!

  144. Robin Hankin

    July 14, 2009
    at 7:35 pm

    Reply

    Lynne Gamm, Agent of B.R.E.A.S.T.

    Prawn-Men from Pluto have Invaded Schenectady

    Cooking with Cthulhu: Abominable Recipes from the Necronomicon and Other Lost and Blasphemous Texts

    Teenage Mutant Nazi Turtles

    Homo Erotica: A New Breed of Man

  145. James

    July 14, 2009
    at 8:09 pm

    Reply

    Space Lemmings and the Planet of Really Awesomely High Cliffs

  146. Tink

    July 14, 2009
    at 9:25 pm

    Reply

    “Zombies from Abercrombie!”
    “Unicorns Fart Rainbows: And Other Things You Probably Didn’t Know.”

  147. Seanna Lea

    July 14, 2009
    at 10:22 pm

    Reply

    Adventures of the Out-of-Work SexDroid

  148. Nuno Fonseca

    July 15, 2009
    at 4:28 am

    Reply

    I Was an Android Dick

    Disposessing Le Guin

    Aliens Loosing Integrity

    Meet the Suckles

    The Shimmering Star

    Terraforming Lightly

    The Farther The Sun

    The Empty-Headed Brain

    The Fantastic Alien Mainstream of Jocular-E

  149. Alena

    July 15, 2009
    at 4:35 am

    Reply

    “Eagle” Sam and the War-Planet of Stalinist Vampyre Elves

  150. mityorkie

    July 15, 2009
    at 5:50 am

    Reply

    Teen Dracolich vs. The Corporation Space Armada

  151. lazy

    July 15, 2009
    at 9:02 am

    Reply

    Wow, no one’s done this -

    I can has Marshuns?

    (kthxbai)

  152. BTYK

    July 15, 2009
    at 4:59 pm

    Reply

    Beneath the Underbelly of the Ass

    Wolf-skin Wearing Dryads

  153. Eric

    July 16, 2009
    at 4:17 pm

    Reply

    The Crystalonium Mines of Vampyre Planet X: Scourge of the Warlords!

  154. Andreas H

    September 9, 2009
    at 11:27 am

    Reply

    Men are from Mars, Zlorgoids are from Zth’oth’blus

  155. Flaillomanz

    January 5, 2010
    at 6:22 am

    Reply

    I know the contest is over, but i just can’t resist…

    VOLSWAGONS FROM SPACE!

    I’m gunna upload a black n white sketch cover on deviantart later… if you care to look
    :P
    so long

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