The Most Awesomely Bad SFF Cover in the Universe!
- - August 7th, 2009
The votes are in and we have a winner! We’re pleased to present to you the title for your worst cover ever.
(drumroll please)
It was an incredibly tight race, with Rise of the Fallen, Book Seven, The Pre-Antepenultimate Battle in second place, but in the end the Cyborg Faries put down the Fallen.
So there you have it. Our fearless art director is warming up her Photoshop as we speak, but before she can start we need two more key cover elements: the author name and the reading line.
Author names are straightforward enough (if you’re having problems, heed Dr. Ronald Chevalier’s advice).
The reading line is a more delicate matter — for that we need the top-line description of the book that will inform everything. The best reading line will give the reader a hint about what to expect in the book – even if that hint is wholly inaccurate.
Suggestions below.
Tags: worst cover ever
Christopher
August 7, 2009
at 7:05 pm
Across the Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
by Gilligan Dyre
Introduction by Jonathan Lethem
Reading Line: For a thousand years, the unsailable waves of the storm-tossed Mare Ghel’atonus have protected the Last Free People from the predations of the alien Feyborg Ascendancy. But now, when a voice thought lost beyond the stars sounds a song unheard for a hundred generations, ancient enmities begin to stir anew.
“Among the first books I received this week.” –Ursula K. Leguin
Andrew Wheeler
August 9, 2009
at 12:25 am
Author: Jerrica Wembsley-Smythe
Reading line: In the tradition of Anne McCaffrey and Hal Clement — the shocking and heart-warming tale of a girl from Earth who saved a world…and lost herself.
(Watch out, or I’ll write you back-cover copy, too. This is a mass-market, right?)
Actually, that’s much too long for a mmpb. So here’s another take:
She’s their only hope — and she doesn’t even know they exist
The Mad Hatter
August 10, 2009
at 3:55 pm
Is the author name I.M.A. Hack a bit too on the nose? How about Raven Hemingway
Tricia Vixen McDonald
Reading line:
The Gear Fairies Sense Trouble Brewing!
Rowanmdm
August 10, 2009
at 8:05 pm
Author: Irene Fairchild
Reading line: Will the integration of science and magic save them from an enemy older than time itself?
JamesY
August 11, 2009
at 1:14 pm
Author: A. Nother Dulnovel
Reaeding line: A stunningly eratic and incoherent piece of literature that plumbs new depths in its butchering of the English language – a must buy for this alone.
EFritz
August 12, 2009
at 6:00 pm
The Ocean will never feel the same.
Sam Thielman
August 12, 2009
at 7:51 pm
Jealous congratulations to the winning title maker. But you can’t keep a good man (or me!) down, so I’ll continue to add my two cents:
Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
By Elrond Upward
“A poem protected the daemonkind of West Hotchkiss. Could Fairyalice McBride destroy them with the Sacred Algorithm?”
Col E
August 14, 2009
at 1:30 pm
Author: Claremont Lockes
Top line: “Think Titanic. In space. With faeries. And a waltzing whale.”
Lindsay R
August 17, 2009
at 7:52 pm
Author: X. Evangeline Strangelove-Jones
Reading line: She thought the tumultuous ocean of her passion would be enough to win over the handsome fae stranger that haunted her dreams. But then she found out that he had a heart of steel — literally.
“This is a book. Things happen in it.” –Patrick Rothfuss
Orange
August 17, 2009
at 9:32 pm
Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
By J.B. Greymalkin
“Trinity Howe, brilliant neuro-witch and erstwile heir to the ruthless Adamantium Corporation, is faced with an impossible dilemma: to abandon her past, or embrace her destiny.”
Orange
August 17, 2009
at 9:46 pm
Oh, and I forgot to add an author’s quote.
“How did you get this number ?” -Connie Willis
Rachel Aaron
August 18, 2009
at 2:25 pm
Authors: Xenadra Dee & Phillipe deSt.Marcon
“When the cyborg fairies stop dancing, time stops ticking over. Now, it’s up to one young flamenco dancer to prove that rhythm really can save the world.”
Matthew Highton
August 18, 2009
at 3:06 pm
Reading line: Because even Fairies can be enhanced by an amalgamated mess of flesh and hi-tech machinery and not even water can blow these circuits.
Author: Colonel Reginald Stormbeck
Gary D
August 18, 2009
at 8:22 pm
For ten thousand years the merchant fairies had sailed the Hyperbolian sea but now the nameless dark one and his cybernetic zombies are rising again. The secret bastard heir to the throne Alexanius Safehaven and his band of companions must gather the seven instruments and sing shut the disharmonious convergence.
Lois McMaster Bujold: “Wow, words fail me. This is really something.”
Gary D
August 18, 2009
at 8:24 pm
Oh, author – George O’Reilly Bradberger Sterling the Third.
Zephyr
August 18, 2009
at 11:34 pm
Author: Jennica Wilding
Reading line: Under the gathering clouds of the annual Passion Storms, a sleeping evil is wakening, hungry for the dance.
Short version: Augmented nymphs meet a sea of troubles!
“Shanty punk? … very inventive …” – Cory Doctorow
CEW
August 23, 2009
at 5:36 am
Author: Tatiana Darlington
Reading line: Iron and magic, impossible right? But with a little H2O and a dulcimer…..Well, things, they just happen.
“I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!”~Deik Howitdzer III
Durandal
August 25, 2009
at 2:21 am
Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
by Lilyth Raven Wytchwood
“Under the watchful gaze of the Seelie Court AIs, the seas tremble and heave with passion — and other, darker things.”
This is most assuredly a book. With pages and everything! — Terry Brooks
Kniffler
September 5, 2009
at 6:47 am
Thanks, Sam. I’m proud and ashamed all at once.
Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
by Diana Selkirk
“The fates of worlds hang on wire wings.”
Sam Thielman
September 11, 2009
at 11:18 am
You’re most welcome. And that reading line is so dreadful it makes my eyes water.
Here’s my author quote, if we do indeed end up using them:
“WIth this book, the author has provided his readers with a weapon against spiders, mosquitoes – even small rodents can be crushed beneath its imposing bulk. Truly one of the thickest books I’ve ever read.”
Sam Thielman
September 11, 2009
at 11:18 am
And I’ll attribute that to Richard Matheson.
Bregt
September 20, 2009
at 4:49 am
Across a Trembling Sea the Cyborg Fairies Dance
by Raine Bowes
“Everytime you press Ctrl+Alt+Del a Cyborg Fairy dies…”
author quote:
“Terminator II met Titania and they got themselves a lovebaby. This is stunning!”