Oh, the holidays. It’s a special time of year when I really enjoy reflecting on all the ways I’ve tortured my characters. To celebrate this magical and highly cathartic ritual, I’ve composed what is sure to be an instant holiday classic. Feel free to sing along!
The Twelve Days of An Urban Fantasy Heroine
On the first day of my UF novel, my author gave to me a demon in my pantry.
On the second day of my UF novel, my author gave to me, two love interests–and a demon in my pantry.
On the third day of my UF novel, my author gave to me, three bullet wounds–two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the fourth day of my UF novel, my author gave to me four mauling hellhounds–three bullet wounds, two love interests, and a demon in my pantry.
On the fifth day of the story, my author gave to me five broken ribs–four mauling hellhounds, three bullet wounds, two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the sixth day of the story, that author gave to me six zombies a-shambling–five broken ribs, four mauling hell hounds, three bullet wounds, two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the seventh day of the effing story, what’s-her-name gave to me only seven bullets left–six zombies a-shambling, five broken ribs, four mauling hell hounds, three bullet wounds, two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the eighth day of the story that won’t end, my next victim (yes, you with the laptop) gave to me, eight mages a-hexing–seven bullets left, six zombies a-shambling, five broken ribs, four mauling hell hounds, three bullet wounds, two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the ninth day of perdition, that effing author gave to me, nine vampires exsanguinating–eight mages a-hexing, seven bullets left, six zombies a-shambling, five broken ribs, four mauling hell hounds, three bullet wounds, two bloody fangs and a demon in my pantry.
On the tenth day of this nightmare, that sadist gave to me ten werewolves attacking–nine vampires exsanguinating, eight mages a-hexing, seven bullets left, six zombies a-shambling, five broken ribs, four mauling hell hounds, three bullet wounds, two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the eleventh day of hell, the spiteful bitch gave to me, eleven ninja assassins assassining–ten werewolves attacking, nine vampires exsanguinating, eight mages a-hexing, seven bullets left, six zombies a-shambling, five broken ribs, four mauling hell hounds, three bullet wounds, two love interests and a demon in my pantry.
On the twelfth day of torture, the Satanic wordsmith gave to me, twelve minutes till apocalypse–eleven dead assassins, ten whooped werewolves, nine staked vampires, eight mages bleeding, crap I’m out of bullets, six brained zombies, damn it my ribs hurt, four neutered hell hounds, three festering bullet wounds, two hot guys (one of them’s a traitor), that demon drank all my beer, and–kill me now– the promise of a sequel.
about the author
Featured Orbit titles by Jaye Wells
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Silver-Tongued Devil
When a string of sadistic murders threatens to stall treaty negotiations between the mages and the vampires. Sabina pitches in to find the killer, but her investigation soon leads her down dark paths that have her questioning everyone she thought she could trust.
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Green-Eyed Demon
Sabina Kane is back, and this time she’s going to the Big Easy.
“Hold on tight — a gritty new heroine has joined the pantheon of shoot-first, ask-questions-later protagonists."
— Romantic Times -
The Mage in Black
Sabina Kane doesn't have the best track record when it comes to family. After all, her own grandmother, the leader of the vampire race, just tried to kill her. When she arrives in New York to meet the mage side of her family, the reunion takes the fun out of dysfunctional.
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Red-Headed Stepchild
"Brassy, sassy, and hip! Wells's promising debut is a fast-paced trip through a dark and dangerous landscape. It hooks you on page one and takes you for a great ride!" — Kat Richardson, author of Poltergeist
Col E
December 18, 2009
at 10:41 am
That’s pretty awesome. I can see it making the Christmas No. 1 spot in the hit parade! Darn – why is it every time I read a good post, the boss looks to see why I’m smiling??? Keep up the good work.
Quonundrum
December 18, 2009
at 1:52 pm
‘Bravo!!’ said he while proffering extra clips, holy water, stakes, steaks & case of Merlot.
Miranda
December 18, 2009
at 2:22 pm
That is absofreakalutaly awesome!
Tom
December 18, 2009
at 8:23 pm
Brilliant!
Carolyn Crane
December 18, 2009
at 8:25 pm
I love this! Gosh, I never thought I’d find the word exsanguinating in a Christmas Carol.
Crap I’m out of bullets – LOL.
Amberkatze
December 19, 2009
at 5:05 am
Love it!!! I am thinking of teaching it to the kids in work next year
Suzan H.
December 19, 2009
at 6:40 pm
ROFLMAO!! Love it!
Debi Murray
December 20, 2009
at 1:44 am
Jaye, you continue to give it away for free…LMAO still!
An Urban Fantasy Christmas Song « Items of Interest
December 20, 2009
at 4:29 am
[...] December 20, 2009 · Filed under fantasy, humour, music · Tagged christmas songs, jaye wells The Twelve Days of An Urban Fantasy Heroine [...]
Bregtje
December 20, 2009
at 5:20 am
Pretty cool song, but the promise of a sequel while there’s only twelve minutes left till the apocalypse, is very unrealistic.
hagelrat
December 21, 2009
at 8:27 am
Everyone should have a demon in the pantry this Christmas. Even if they don’t have a pantry.
KMont
December 22, 2009
at 11:14 am
This was HI-larious. Bravo.
Cem
December 22, 2009
at 11:16 am
LOL that’s awesome!! Love it.
Writer’s Resources for December 14th through January 9th « Waiting For Fairies
March 21, 2010
at 8:47 pm
[...] An Urban Fantasy Holiday | Orbit Books – [...]
Benjamin
December 14, 2010
at 10:51 am
awesome jaye, work would be soooo much better if they played this on the muzac!
Andrew Jack
December 18, 2010
at 6:04 pm
Awesome, especially the last verse. Now all you need is remix version on Itunes and you’ll be in the money.