The Samuil Petrovitch Guide to (Violent) Russian Swearing
Super-genius cyborg and hero of the Freezone, Samuil Petrovitch, has a fiery temper – one prone to exploding with more potency than the nukes that signaled the apocalypse around the turn of the 21st century. Generally, Petrovitch’s explosions of anger will take the form of curses in his Russian mother tongue (or perhaps explosions of extreme violence, poisoning, putting bombs in people’s chests and stitching them up again… He’s nothing if not inventive).
To help you decode the various insults hurled at all and sundry by Petrovitch in Simon Morden’s new novel THE CURVE OF THE EARTH (UK | US | ANZ), we’ve put together a handy glossary of Russian swearwords with a very British translation so as not to offend any delicate sensibilities…
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Ahueyet! We’ve got some series govno on our hands.
Translation: Egad! It appears our metacarpus have become tainted with effluent.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: The only way I can explain your actions is to assume your father was balvan.
Translation: Your poor decision making suggest there was an extreme deficiency in your father’s intelligence quotient.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Chyort voz’mi, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.
Translation: Curses! I find myself in the most hateful of all possible worlds.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Chyort! How stupid are you?
Translation: Dash it all! Your foolishness demands explanation!
Samuil Petrovitch usage: That’s the sort of thing I’d expect to hear from a durak.
Translation: Your communication suggests that your skull is a vacant receptacle rather than a protective covering.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: I have had enough of this govno.
Translation: No more faeces for me, thank you.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Seriously, Reconstructionist America can idi v’zhopu
Translation: I would recommend that Reconstructionist America remove itself from my presence at once, preferably in a painful manner.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Glad I brought my Kalash.
Translation: How fortuitous that I have this Russian-made firearm
Samuil Petrovitch usage: I’ve had enough of your kon govno.
Translation: I doubt the veracity of your explanation, which has the perfume of equestrian faeces.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Past’ zajeb, or I’ll blow your knees off
Translation: Be quiet, my good sir, or I shall be forced to relieve you of your mobility.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: This a whole new category of pizdets
Translation: Our situation is beginning to resemble a cluster of effluent.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: If I had a decent pushka, this wouldn’t be such pizdets
Translation: How I yearn for a firearm of significant calibre to relieve the difficulty of my situation!
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Your yajtza must be bigger than the moon.
Translation: Your gentleman’s treasures appear to be of planetary proportion.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Get this yebani tube out of my gullet before I vomit into my lungs.
Translation: Kindly remove this fornicating tube from my digestive tract or I fear we will be having a backwards performance of breakfast.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: Yobany stos, is that the only gun you brought?
Translation: Ploppers! I had expected you to be more fully prepared for armed combat.
Samuil Petrovitch usage: You talk too much, zhopa.
Translation: You are surprisingly communicative for an orifice that is not generally used for speaking.