With the fifth and final book of my Eli Monpress series, SPIRIT’S END (UK | US | AUS)*, coming out November 20, it was high time to crawl out of my coffee splattered writer cave and do some promotion. Seeing as this is the final shebang, though, I knew I wanted to do something different, something spectacular… But then I lost my voice and my lit themed parody video of Carly Rae Jepson’s Call Me Maybe had to be put on indefinite hold. (Sample: “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I wrote this series, so read it maybe?”)
The disappointment is crushing, I know, but as a consolation (and an apology to everyone who just got Call Me Maybe stuck in their heads), I wrote a short piece about what would happen if the Eli gang had voice mail instead. So if you’re a fan, get ready, because this fansevice is all for you! And if you haven’t read the series yet and want in on the joke, you can read the first few chapters of The Legend of Eli Monpress here.
*SPIRIT’S END is being published in the UK and Australia as an omnibus called THE REVENGE OF ELI MONPRESS which includes THE SPIRIT WAR and SPIRIT’S END.
So, without further ado, please enjoy The Legend of Eli Monpress: Voice Mail Edition!
Hello, you’ve reached the answering service of Eli Monpress, the greatest thief in the world. I know, I know, a message wasn’t what you were expecting, was it? Don’t feel bad, though, thousands of people fail to catch me every day! But if you can marshal up from underneath your crushing disappointment long enough to leave me a message, at least you’ll have the hope that I might call you back if you make a good enough case for yourself. So keep it short and try to be entertaining and you might just be finding my calling card in place of your valuables sooner than you would think.
Oh, and if this is Miranda, you should know that calling someone a “thieving degenerate with no respect for common decency” on their own voice mail does not illicit a call back. Manners!
You have 3,408 new messages:
Hello dearest, this is Benehime. Just calling to say I love you. Call me back.
Eliton, pet, it’s been almost five minutes and you haven’t called me back. Did you get my message? I love you, call me.
Eli, you still haven’t called. I do hope your phone isn’t being negligent, I would hate to have to teach it a lesson. Though, of course, if it is working, and you’re just ignoring me… well, let’s hope it’s your phone. Talk to you soon, love.
Eli, I was just thinking about you. Call me, please?
Eliton, love, still thinking about you. Call me now or I’ll–
Are you sure you want to exit the mailbox? You still have 3,403 unheard messa– *click*
You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Spiritualist Miranda Lyonette. I’m sorry I’m not here to take your call at the moment, but if you’ll follow the instructions below, I or another Spiritualist will return your call as soon as possible so that we may address your problem in a timely fashion.
If you are calling in regards to Spirit Court regulations or to report the possible abuse of a spirit, please hang up and call the Zarin Tower main office informational hotline. If you are calling with information about a possible Enslaver, contact the Department of Responsible Wizardry immediately. Please do not attempt to approach the Enslaver on your own. Remember, we are professionals. If you would like to request a Spiritualist’s intervention in a local matter, such as flooding, storms, drought, toxic gasses, earthquakes, or if any of your household items have developed violent tendencies, you should contact your local Tower directly. If you do not have a local Tower or a Spiritualist in residence, please call our outreach office so that we may assign one to you. For all other issues, or if you have information regarding the location or activities of the notorious thief, Eli Monpress, please leave your name, number, and a brief message and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.
You have 1 unheard message:
Miranda! This is Eli. I was just strolling through Zarin when I saw you and your puppy trotting by on the other side of the square, so I though I’d be friendly and call you to let you know I was here. Alas, by the time I’d finished listening to the speech you decided to record as your answering message, I’d already left town. So sorry we missed each other, though considering your record for misses when it comes to me, I suppose it was inevitat–
Message erased. You have no new messages.
(long silence punctuated by rustling sounds, and then a deep sigh)
Josef: Why do I need to make one of these things again?
Eli (in the background): So if someone calls and you don’t pick up, which is a safe assumption since you never pick up, they’ll know whose phone they’ve reached.
Josef: What does that matter? The only people I’d want to talk to are standing five feet from me.
Eli: Why, Josef, I’m touched–
Josef: Who said I was talking about you?
Eli: Just record the stupid message.
Josef: Fine. This is Josef Liechten, who are you and what do you want?
Eli: No, no, no, you can’t just–
You have 5 unheard messages.
Josef: Why would someone call me five times and not leave a message?
Nico (looking down at her hands): I don’t know….
Ha, I hope you enjoyed these! Again, don’t forget to pick up Eli’s grand finale, Spirit’s End, at the end of this month (see what I did there?). And if you can’t wait, you can always go read the first four chapters of Spirit’s End on my site. Spoiler warnings for the first four books apply! Thank you for reading!